Had a bad night. You know, those happen from time to time, but they seem to be happening to often lately, and in direct correlation with the fact that Ian and I are together. When really, what it comes down to is the fact that I am placing too much upon his shoulders, riding on his effort to make our relationship work. And that is definitely not how relationships work. I need to have faith in myself that I can make a relationship work too.

And so I came home and took out my favorite self-help book, How to be Happy, Dammit: A cynic's guide to spiritual happiness and read the first lessons. Mostly I realized that I am not happy with myself, so how could I be happy with anyone else?

So I have a few goals, resolutions, whatever. For starters, I hope to have these all implemented by my birthday in 19 days. Ian and I won't last that long if I don't get myself in order, so they are the top priority of my self-help, if you will.

1. I will accept myself as I am. I will accept that I have crazy hair and blackheads and dark circles under my eyes and a tummy. I will work on seeing the beauty in the other parts of myself, eventually hoping to see beauty in every part of me. I challenge the universe to make me able to see the beauty in everyone else too.

2. I will learn to deal with my problems myself. I am a strong woman, and I am not acting like that, and it needs to change. I can handle anything the universe throws at me (even losing Ian, and it may be time to deal with that soon). I challenge the universe to throw me something I can't overcome alone.

3. I will give up on my past. I know I have done The Ex-Files, but apparently I still harbor a lot of the guilt and insecurities from those relationships, even if not the bitterness and disappointment in the men I dated. I challenge the universe to put me in circumstances similar to my past so that I can prove how much I have changed.

Bring it on. I can do anything I set my mind to, even if it is changing myself completely.