Since I made the basic assumption that Indianapolis (where I am) is in the same time zone as Grinnell (where I was), I am not going to say I missed the day to write because I thought it was the same time zone and they're not... Do you get the point?

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot today, about other things that I need to work on.

4. I pledge to stop crying, except when I am over-joyed, or someone dies, or there's really sappy moments in a movie. That might be my greatest vice, the one that has undone so much of what I need to overcome to make things better with Ian. I need to rely on self-control instead of self-indulgence.

And then I got nervous, because he is still really peeved about last night, and while he has given me a second chance, or rather, a last chance, to make things right, I worry that there may be too much for me to do, that maybe I can't fix it all, or fix it fast enough to make myself a person that other people want to be with. But that is exactly what I need to overcome. So much of my personality is opportunistic, looking for the easiest way out, how little can I do, or if giving up in the easiest thing to do instead of any work at all...

I am ashamed of myself, when I really face who I am. So I can either accept that I am a person I don't like, or I can change the behaviors that underlie my intense dislike of myself. Maybe that means really tearing myself apart to realize what is causing me to be a big ol' bitch, but that's what this blog is for, right?