If you can believe it, all that bitching and re-telling and bitterness that other people have been dealing with all day is just the tip of the iceberg of my anger. The interesting thing about this time of breaking up with Ian (there should never have to be a "this time" of the plural...) is that I am just angry. I am not really that sad about him not being part of my life because I was not happy with him and the plans we made were almost delusional in the fact that we thought they would work, and I have more freedom to feel everything that comes with graduating and moving on with my life, including true, unabated happiness. I have no anchor weighing me to my past.

At the same time, I do miss him. And I am sure it will get worse before it gets better. But I am also just so mad.

That he set me up to fight with him last night so he would have a reason to break up with me. That he would put himself in a position where he would ever come close to kissing someone else. That he would have feelings, for lots of other people, while we were back together, and that it would never be acceptable for me to have feelings for anyone else. That it was really all about him trying to be happy, to not be alone, to test us out, to yank me around until he got what he wanted. In particular, that he would blame me for poor communication when every time I have cried, he has yelled too. We both fucked up, and I accept that I did. I accept I messed things/something/stuff up between us. But I am also pretty sure that it was already messed up and we were both lying to ourselves to say anything else.

So I cried last night. But what if I never cry again? I am worried about interacting, or being in the same social arenas as he will be in, because I know he will be an asshole like he was last time, finding someone new, or maybe someone he's liked for a while. And I don't want to see that. I want to see him grow up, and maybe become somebody different, just like he wanted from me. I also need to accept that it's unlikely to happen. He will probably retaliate because I am not as upset as I was, and will do things to try and get a rise out of me. Alas, the things we do to hurt each other.

I know this all sounds completely logical, and we know how well it works when I try to pretend I don't have emotions. And I do have them. And I feel them. But they are ghosts. The man I love doesn't exist, or if he does, he doesn't love me, might even hate me. I have cried so much over him, and I can't do it anymore. The main difference between last time and this time is that he is right. We shouldn't be together, and I agree with that. I cried because he hurt my feelings last night, not because he is wrong. He made the right decision in breaking up with me(albiet a fucked up way of getting there...), and there's no reason to cry over the right decision, right?