This is entry #2 today, go here to read the other one.

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So I just realized something about Ian and I that I am unsure I have ever taken the time to articulate or examine as part of why we got back together.

I will be honest and say, I down and out had serious doubts about getting back together. I was on a hook-up spree, really enjoying myself and finally starting to not harbor deeply negative feelings for Ian. But then he came back out of the blue and asked me to get back together in the end of January. And I said yes.

Now why did I say yes again?

Wait, that's a really good question.

I realized tonight that I couldn't look at his face and say no. I couldn't hurt someone else that much. And honestly, I knew that I would get hurt by getting back together. I knew I wouldn't be happy. I may be delusional from time to time, but I am generally pretty spot on once I stop crying and being angry. But I didn't say no. I was willing to accept myself getting hurt so bad, just so that he wouldn't have to be hurt by me. I mean, I really did care for him, to not hurt him so that he could hurt me later.

But I realized today, when I wasn't even able to look at him in the face when upset about not getting that award, that I can't care anymore. I took the brunt of our breakup again, and accept that was the decision I made. But I can't bear to see his eyes anymore, when I can so clearly remember the time I looked in them and couldn't say no to exactly what he wanted, even at my own expense.

The bigger question becomes, is this something about my behavior? My guess is that is a big, fat yes, and is part of the reason I may look so emotionally masochistic. It's not that I like being upset or hurt, especially not now that I have realized how my behavior looks. It's that I can't bear to hurt anyone else so much that I will set myself up to hurt instead.

Selflessness, or stupidity?