I guess I'm considering going to bed really early, so it might be better to write and get it over with. I have had an extremely long day, punctuated by really quick naps that have left me absolutely drained.

A couple things, to start out.

First, I spent the night at Max's last night. Details aside, this was the opportunity where I had told myself I would ask if he was hooking up with someone else. Not who, just if. And he is. Which is fine. I don't need to be in a monogamous relationship, and I know that's not what he wants. At the same time though, I do want to be treasured and unique, so I feel a little bruised about it. But, ya know, I will get over it. I wasn't lying to myself when I said that being Friends Alone was enough to make me happy. The rest really is just perks. Really cool perks.

But that leads me into my exhaustion, because I was up until nearly 4am with Max, only to be woken at 6am by a call that today was Flunk Day at Knox College, a two-plus-hour drive away, and that I was expected to go along with a few friends. So we piled in the car and drove to Knox, to arrive in the midst of a strange yet familiar scene. Drunkenness, bouncy games, velcro wall, free food, sunshine... It was like Alice, and Block Party, and my Grad Blast from high school, all rolled into one. It was a ton of fun, and I got sun and skipped classes and just took a day to enjoy my time without worrying about school or the future.

We got back from Knox at about 4:30, and I found an email from Ian, responding to my admittedly inflammatory last post. I called him and then passed out to take a nap. He arrived and we made a frozen pizza and talked. For two hours. And times of it were sad, and times of it were angry, and times of it were joking and happy. And it didn't change much of anything in actuality, except that I guess Ian needed to know that I do still care, and I don't mean to hurt him, despite my behavior. Admittedly, I don't like admitting this. It gives him power over me, if he wants to use it. Except that we also realized that everything we said, everything we confided, doesn't actually change what has happened between us, or how we feel we need to act to get over our breakup.

So there you have it. We talked, and got somewhere with the conversation, but also didn't really make progress. Not that I'm sure much could have been made anyway, at this point.

Now I think I am going to... I don't know. Organize some papers and then watch a movie and go to sleep? I'm not really sure about much except that it needs to be an early, and alone, night.